The other day I had a surreal conversation with Mrs PM.
It went like this.
Mrs PM: I want to weight myself but I can’t.
PM: Why? You’re not scared are you? You look fa… OWWW!!!! Why did you thump me?
Mrs PM: You know why, you arse!
PM: I was going to say, you look fabulous!! What did you think I was going to say? Anyway - why can’t you weigh yourself?
Mrs PM: Oh! Thanks! The batteries have run out on the scales and we haven’t got any more.
PM: Yes we have. I bought some, remember? I’m proactive. As I’ve always said, it’s better to have stuff in than nothing at all.
Mrs PM: You’re not proactive! I’m the proactive one out of the two of us.
PM: Then why didn’t you buy the batteries? When I bought them two weeks ago, you said “Why have you bought those batteries? We don’t need them!”
Mrs PM: No I didn’t.
PM: Yes you did. I’m surprised you don’t remember. You remember things that I said eighteen years ago. OWWWW!!! What’s that for?
Mrs PM: I’ve just remembered what you said to Susan in 2001!
PM: See? I don’t remember that! In fact, I’m not even sure who Susan is!
Mrs PM: It shows that I’ve got a good memory and that you are a stupid arse!
PM: What did I say?
Mrs PM: Well if you don’t remember, I’m not going to tell you.
PM: What does that even mean?
Mrs PM: It means that you are an arse!
PM: By the way, did you know that women make great archaeologists?
PM: Because they love digging up the past. OWWW!!! What was that for?
Mrs PM: Sexist pig!
PM: It was a joke.
Mrs PM: I’ll remember that!
PM: I bet you will. Pity you don’t remember saying what you said about the batteries.
Mrs PM: That’s because I didn’t say it.
PM: Yes you did. Did you know that those batteries are also used for other things like the TV remote control, for example?
Mrs PM: Really? I thought you were just hoarding batteries. You hoard other stuff.
PM: No I don’t. I’m proactive. When you’ve just shopped, you leave things off the list because “we don’t need it”. And then we run out. I’ve always said it’s better to have too much than not enough. We nearly ran out of toothpaste last week you know.
Mrs PM: Yeah – and we’ve got food that’s past its sell-by date because you bought too much.
PM: Nonsense – and when I say that I mean you saying that you’re proactive.
Mrs PM: Okay smartarse! Tell me why you’re proactive and I’m not.
PM: Well besides the batteries and the toothpaste, I’m proactive with the washing.
At this point I have to pause because Mrs PM burst out laughing and I watched in puzzled astonishment as she struggled to control herself.
PM: What’s so funny?
Mrs PM: Proactive washing? What the hell is that?
PM: Look at the washing basket and you’ll see.
Mrs PM: It’s empty.
Mrs PM: You are deranged. What the hell are you talking about?
I’ve done the washing before the washing
basket filled up and started overflowing with dirty shreddies and socks!
Editor’s note – “shreddies” are what the Plastic Mancunian calls his underpants for reasons that I don’t want to go into. Suffice it say, it’s not a pleasant name when you think about it.
Mrs PM: So proactive washing is making sure that the washing basket is empty?
PM: Duh! Yes!
Mrs PM: I thought you meant that proactive washing is making sure that the washing never gets dirty. I’ve got a wardrobe full of clean clothes if you want to be proactive about it. You can wash all my clean clothes BEFORE they get dirty. That way, the washing basket will never ever have anything in it.
PM: What are you talking about?
Mrs PM: You! You’re an idiot!
PM: Well I’ll remember that!
Mrs PM: No you won’t!
PM: Yes I will! I’ll write it down in my next blog post.
Mrs PM: And let the world know exactly what an idiot you are. Proactive washing! Have you heard yourself?
Maybe I will review the conversation and not post it after all. I don’t want to look daft to the world. I also don’t want the world to know that I don’t understand women. Looking back, I still can’t understand why I was thumped three times during these exchanges. It also makes people think that I rarely win these fun exchanges with the love of my life. The truth is I rarely do.
I think I’ll consign this draft post to the “also rans” folder on my computer.
“Proactive washing” indeed!
What a stupid idea!
What a stupid title for a blog post.